If you have read, reflected, and put into practice the information and instruction in Part 1 and Part 2 of How To Become A Pillow Talk Pro — Congratulations! You are ready to level up your deliciously dirty self-work and adapt your pillow talk practice for partnered play.
That is what the final chapter of this series is all about, so buckle up and get ready for a wild ride.
Being able to vocalize your pleasure, sensations, desires, and fantasies privately is a huge and awesome step. Show yourself some gratitude for getting this far. And have some grace and patience for your process if you don’t feel ready to jump into the dirty talk deep end with your lover right away. I assure you that there is plenty to be enjoyed and expressed between now and reaching that finish line.
Here we are going to break down the process of engaging in partnered pillow talk into three general steps. To help you put them into practice, I will provide you with a plethora of specific, juicy examples to get your mental motor revving.
Step one is going to help you enhance your general vocalness during sexual exchange with a partner. Step two will put you on the road to engaging in full on fantasy communication as part foreplay. Step three will set the stage for communication that will allow you and your lover to engage in pillow talk together over shared fantasy.
Ready? Here we go!
Step 1: Engage Your Sensory Experience
In my humble opinion, all pleasure begins with sensual embodiment.
So first let’s answer the question — what is sensual embodiment, anyway?
Sensuality is our ability to connect to the experience of our senses - smell, touch, taste, sight, and hearing. Sensuality functions in part through the process of drawing yourself into the present moment through your sensual experience. Developing mindful awareness of your sensual experience, and then savoring that awareness with gratitude and present-focused attention, unlock the keys to embodiment.
We experience embodiment when our minds and bodies are in a present-focussed connection. This involves learning to listen to what our bodies have to teach us and then using that awareness and wisdom to make the best choices for ourselves in our experiences. For a deeper dive into sensual embodiment, read my blog all about it here.
This relates to pillow talk in that tapping into sensual embodiment helps write the script for organic, free-flowing oral expression during sexual experience. You don’t need to jump right into expressing full fantasy scenarios in order to spice up your sex life. Instead, start with vocal expressions of pleasure and sensory commentary.
This way, you aren’t putting yourself on the spot to ‘make anything up,’ but are focusing on your present experience and using that sensory information to communicate pleasure in a more explicit way. Not only will this keep you focused on what is happening in the moment, but it will help inform and affirm for your lover what the quality of your experience is and how you feel about your sexual exchange while you are having it.
When you are with your lover exchanging sexual attention, what is happening? What do you feel, see, smell, hear, and taste? All of this sensory information can be used in your vocalizations. This is a great way to step into the pillow talking pool and start swimming.
Let me give you some specific examples:
I love the way you taste.
You are fucking delicious.
How can you taste so sweet? I can’t get enough of your _______ (pussy, kisses, taint, etc).
Your scent is intoxicating.
The sound of your _____(fingers, cock, strap-on, etc) in my ______ (pussy, mouth, asshole, etc) gets me so fucking hard/wet.
When you moan into/onto my _____ (neck, pussy, asshole, cock, etc) like that it feels amazing.
I can’t get enough of you in this light.
I love feeling the weight of you on top of me.
Your touch is everything.
Use authentic sensory observations to fuel statements about what you see/hear/feel/taste in the moment and have a positive reaction to. If it looks, sounds, smells, tastes, or feels good...say so! It really is as simple as that.
Taking things a step further, you can talk about what is happening to you, and the physical results of your sexual action. Speak affirmations of your physical experience and let yourself get explicit with it. Talk about your lover to your lover. Express what you enjoy about their body, energy, and technique.
Here are some examples of how this could work:
Yes, that’s it, keep going just like that.
You’ve got it, don’t stop.
I want to feel your _______ (fingers, cock, strap-on) inside me right now.
Look at that gorgeous (body part).
Yes, that’s it, take it!
You feel so fucking good.
Any variation of fuck, fuck yeah, fuck me.
That’s what I needed, right there, I love it.
Do you feel how wet/hard you make me?
Start with simple words and phrases. The examples below incorporate much of what I outlined above and take it a little further. Trying these types of phrases on during your personal pleasure practice will normalize the words coming out of your mouth and help you deliver them authentically with your lover.
Your cock feels so good in my mouth.
Sucking your dick gets me so wet.
I love it when you push my face into the pillow like that.
Your pussy is beautiful.
I can’t keep my lips off you.
Watching you slide in and out of me drives me mad, that looks so good.
Your mouth is heaven.
I love your fingers inside me.
Put your fingers in my mouth.
Spit on it.
Playing with your balls is a fucking blast.
Look at that sweet asshole.
I love squeezing my pussy around your fingers/cock when you fuck me like that.
Tasting myself on you drives me wild.
I love the sound of you pounding my wet pussy.
I can feel you in my fucking guts right now.
It gets me so hot when you…
Getting the drift, here? Coupling any of these or similar phrases with moans, gurgles, heavy breathing, and calls of affirmation can take a sexual interaction from good to sizzling hot.
Step 2: When it comes to fantasy, go slow
When you are ready to escalate your level of pillow talk beyond what is actually happening in play, it is time to delve into fantasy.
If you have never tried dirty talking with your existing partner before, I suggest some pre-coital communication to give them buy-in to your pillow talk intentions. Tell them you have been delving more into your own fantasies, and would like to try some more advanced pillow talk in the bedroom.
Communicate about the nature of fantasy (that it is just that), and create a safe container for you both to explore sharing verbally in this way.
Slow down for the details and sink into sensuality. The rush and heat of the moment may ignite the sensory-inspired exchange outlined above, but this step is all about slowing down with sexy intention.
Sharing your own fantasies as pillow talk is great and is what I recommend as the first step in the scenario-sharing direction. One of my favorite phrases to use when initiating a naughty share is:
Can I tell you what I thought about the last time I masturbated?
First off, this question paints a visual picture, inviting your lover to imagine you in the throes of self-pleasure (yum). Second, it seeks consent for the share and creates space for it. When their answer is yes, the door is open for you to share your sexy story. The notes and reflections in your self-pleasure/fantasy journal should provide you with some great inspiration here.
The best way to ensure that your delivery lands is to start slowly. Remember to breathe. Annunciate. Take your time and allow both of you to relax into the progression of action and imagery you are sharing.
A key tenet of crowd psychology is that your audience is going to reflect your energy. If you are anxious and rushing through your fantasy, your lover is going to feel that and you will end up diminishing the impact and joy of pillow talking in the first place.
If you do notice yourself feeling ungrounded, go even slower. Take a pause and smile (one of the sexiest things you can do anyway), offer some lingering touch, and pick up where you left off at your own seductive pace.
Once you have enjoyed the thrill of talking through a fantasy of your own, some additional communication can be had to spice things up even further. As part of aftercare post-sexual experience, ask your lover what they thought about the addition of your dirty talking time. Ask them how it made them feel, and if they would be interested in exploring it further.
If their answer is yes, you are ready for Step 3!
Step 3: Incorporate Shared Fantasy
Step 3 sets the groundwork for communication that will allow you to start incorporating your lover’s fantasies into pillow talk as well. Even better, to allow you both to engage in pillow talk together over shared fantasies you discover.
Now it’s time to ask some questions to help fuel your mutual dirty talk fire. The best sex, much like life and relationships, is fueled by communication. What’s the best way to learn what type of pillow talk will drive your lover wild? Talking about what turns you both on!
Take cues and keywords from their answers to integrate into your pillow talk, and you will set yourself up for some top-notch play.
Plus, the process of this communication will probably turn you both on too, and build anticipation for your next romp in the sac. Be prepared to answer these questions yourself as well. You probably racked up a lot of answers during your self-exploration and pleasure/fantasy journaling.
Here are some examples to get you going:
How do you like to be touched?
What areas of your body do you like played with the most?
What positions or sexual acts are the most visually hot to you?
What positions or sexual acts provide your favorite sensations? Why?
What is a fantasy you think about often?
What are some of your bucket list sexual experiences?
What is something you fantasize about but don’t necessarily want to call into real life?
Take all of this fantastic, high-level intimate communication and use it the next time you jump into bed together. This creates an opportunity for you to get to know what makes the other tick on an even deeper level, and puts you on a journey together that will continue to spice up your intimacy over time.
Remember — The path to authentic expression and pillow talk prowess looks different for everyone (as it should). And that is totally fine! Accept that your journey is your own, and resist the temptation to compare yourself to any examples of dirty-talking divas you’ve seen in the media or experienced in the past.
This is your life, your sexuality, and your opportunity to come into even greater closeness with yourself and the lover(s) in your life.
Are you feeling the momentum, and interested in delving even deeper into your sensuality? Ready to incorporate even more playfulness into your pleasure? If so, I encourage you to check out my Pleasure + Playfulness digital course.
Pleasure + Playfulness includes a wealth of information, instructional videos, personal practices, writing prompts, and tips and tricks to help you level up your intimate connections even further.
Above all, know that you got this! I believe in you.